Anonymiss in DC











{December 11, 2008}   All I want is a PHONE!

I can’t believe I’m back to whining, but here we go. Just ignore this if you can’t take it.

So as we speak, I am once again on hold with the mythical entity, Verizon of Maryland. I say mythical because god knows if this place actually exists or if anyone actually works there. Allow me to explain how I became like Oscar Rogers in the SNL “Fix it!” Skit. (Click here, forward it to 2:15).

I just moved, and apparently, Verizon makes it “really easy” to transfer your service.  They even have an 888 number just for people who are moving. Really? That’s great… let’s go…

So about two weeks ago, I call Verizon, tell them I’m moving and that I want to keep my phone and internet service. Okay, fine, I can’t take my internet service because it’s not available in my new building yet.  No problem. So let’s cancel THAT, and you can just transfer my phone service. Here’s the new address. Make sure you have it right, please, because it’s a brand new street and a brand new building, and your automated address-checker might try to change it. You’re sure you have it?

Great.

Two days later, call to my cell phone:

“This is the Verizon guy.” (Yes, he seriously said that.) “I can’t find your address. Can you give me directions?”

Me: “Sure This is where you go.”

….”Did you find it?”

….  “Yes?”

….” Good. Thanks!”

Half hour later, another phone call from “the Verizon guy”:

“This is the Verizon guy again. I’m at your place, but you gave me the wrong address. You need to give this address to Verizon.”

Me: “But that address I gave IS my address!”

Verizon Guy: “But it’s not.”

Me: “Yes it is. If I change my address, my bill will go to that address and that’s not my address.”

Verizon Guy: “I’m here. This is your address. This is the address you should give Verizon.”

<continued for about 10 minutes…>

Me: “Okay, well whatever. Could you just install my phone?”

Verizon Guy: “No, because it’s not the right address.”

Me (trying to remember deep breathing exercises): “Okay, so what am I supposed to do?”

Verizon Guy: Call Verizon; have them change the order.”

So I call Verizon’s customer service line, and I somehow end up talking to some poor DSL technical support agent in India who has no idea why I got transferred to him, so he gives me another number, which turns out to be a number for telephone REPAIR, so they transfer me and I get someone in Verizon New York, who tries to transfer me to someone in Maryland and I get back to the DSL department in India, and they try to tell me I need to change my address in billing,  and then billing, after 30+ minutes on hold, says I need to call this OTHER 800 number, and even though I actually beg them not to transfer me, they do, and due to heavy call volume I need to call back later…so I get hung up on, and have nothing.

I call the Verizon guy back and I have nothing to tell him. He says HIS technical support office “gets” the problem but they can’t change it on their end.  He says to hit a different option on the automated menu, cancel the order, and redo it. Okay.

But I can’t get anyone on the phone STILL because all circuits are busy, and then I try again and get someone in Pennyslvania, who says the call director service isn’t working right (ya THINK?!)… and then transfers me to someone else, who proceeds to explain to me that my address might not even be able to GET Verizon service, and also points out to me that she can’t even find my address in MapQuest. Awesome.

I give up.

I call my apartment building and say “Why does no one know that our street is real?”… do a whole lot of complaining…am told no one else has had a problem…. they talk to the postmaster about it….he says it’s a real address, he swears.

So basically my phone gets installed one some other street with a similar name, somewhere. I think, anyway, I’m not sure, because I don’t think the guy installed anything, but the Verizon lady I just hung up with tells me she just shut off my phone service at my incorrect address and that hopefully it will be working at my new address next Wednesday. (She promised that she believed me that my address is actually real.)

Can’t wait till next week.

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