Anonymiss in DC











{June 15, 2009}   Jack Bauer gets a puppy?

As some of you may know, I picked up my new puppy yesterday! I am super excited. She’s cute, she’s sweet, she’s curious, she’s…

….driving me nuts. 😛  This morning, while lamenting to one of my coworkers about the puppy’s unwillingness to sleep, we hit upon the pivotal question– the question all of us– especially superheros– ask themselves in times of struggle:

What would Jack Bauer do?

Hmm. What would Jack Bauer do?

Situation #1: Morning feeding

(Jack pours Kibble into bowl.)

JACK (pointing to food): Here. Eat this.

(Puppy sniffs food, refuses to eat. Jack checks watch.)

JACK (again, pointing to food): Eat.

(Puppy looked unconvinced. Jack glances again at watch.)

JACK: WE’RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME, DAMNIT! EAT!

(Puppy looks scared.)

JACK (indicating Kibble): THERE ARE NO OTHER OPTIONS.  EAT! EAT IT NOW!

(Puppy whimpers; Jack checks watch once more.)

JACK: WE’RE OUT OF TIME. DO IT!

Situation #2: Housetraining

(Jack places puppy on puppy pad.)

JACK:  DO IT.

(Puppy looks up at Jack)

JACK: DON’T YOU GIVE ME THAT LOOK. DO IT. DO IT NOW.

(Puppy puts one paw onto floor.)

JACK: THAT’S FAR ENOUGH. KEEP YOUR FEET WHERE I CAN SEE THEM. GO!

(Puppy scrambles off of mat; pees on floor next to mat.)

JACK: DAMNIT! (picks up walkie.) THIS IS JACK BAUER. WE HAVE A LEAK. I REPEAT, WE HAVE A LEAK. I NEED BACKUP.

Situation #3: Obedience Training

(Jack gets down to puppy’s eye level.)

JACK: LISTEN TO ME CAREFULLY BECAUSE I AM ONLY GOING TO SAY THIS ONCE.

(Puppy licks Jack’s nose)

JACK: YOU WILL DO EXACTLY WHAT I SAY OR I WILL BREAK EACH AND EVERY BONE IN YOUR BODY WITH MY BARE HANDS.  IS THAT CLEAR?

(Puppy licks Jack’s nose)

JACK: GOOD. Now SIT!

Situation #4: Runaway Puppy

(Jack is playing with puppy in penned area. Puppy escapes. Jack pursues, but dog rounds corner and Jack loses him.)

JACK: DAMNIT! (Picks up Walkie.) Chloe, this is Jack, DO YOU COPY?

CHLOE:  I’m here, Jack.

JACK: SUSPECT IS ON THE LOOSE HEADED TOWARDS MAIN STREET. I REPEAT SUBJECT IS ON THE LOOSE HEADED TOWARDS MAIN STREET. I’M GOING TO NEED YOU TO SET UP A PERIMETER.

CHLOE:  Got it.

JACK: HOW LONG UNTIL YOU CAN GET A SATELLITE FEED?

CHLOE: About 2 minutes.

JACK: THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH. WE’LL LOSE HER.

CHLOE: Jack, I’m going as fast as I can.

JACK: GO FASTER. WE LOSE HER, IT’S OVER. SHE’S OUR ONLY LEAD.

CHLOE: Our only lead? To what? Jack, what’s going on?

JACK: JUST DO IT!

CHLOE: I’m DOING it!

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Patricvk says:

This is an amazing post, I you nailed Jack down to a T!



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