Anonymiss in DC

{August 13, 2009}   Making Fun of Men’s Health

So, for the last couple days, Carrie and I have been exchanging giggles over The Frisky. Today, for instance, we were laughing about their take on a Men’s Health article entitled: “41 ways to make a Woman Swoon.” (You should read it, by the way, it’s kind of funny. A few of my personal favorites? 21 (“Pick her clothes up off the floor”? Yup, that makes me hot) and 23 (“Take her to see your favorite sport live. Pay more attention to her than to the game.” Hmm. Why don’t you take me to see something I care about?). In fairness, I think there may be something to numbers 1,4..and 37.)


So I’ve been inspired by another Men’s Health gem: 16 Ways to Save your Relationship There’s some ok stuff in here, like actually trying to have an adult conversation with your girlfriend about why you’re growing apart, and  trying to be more considerate, and trying to rekindle the romance of yesteryear. But some of them? Please, guys, do not ever try these at home.

1.  After your next screaming match, right before the makeup sex, don’t bother with the “I love you” cliché. Just tell her, “You know, you’re the only person I’d ever tolerate talking to me like that. You’re that amazing.”

Umm… WHAT?! So I should be grateful that you allow me to talk to you like that when you totally deserve it?  F*ck you.

2. No screaming matches lately? Have one, fast. If she’s screaming at you, she still gives a damn. Silence from a woman means something has died. (Or will die. Tonight. In his sleep.)

Right. So save your relationship by picking a fight. That’s good advice. I love it when you upset me to see if I still give a damn.

4. Thinking about leaving her? Think about this first: No woman is perfect. The next one you pick up could indeed be cooler, hornier, and wealthier. But you’ll soon grow tired of her crap, too.

Oh. Right. Please, please, please stay with me because it’s possible the next chick you meet won’t be any better.

F*ck you.

5. Maul her for 10 seconds when she least expects it. A mini-maul here, a mini-maul there. Next thing you know, you’ll have a strip-maul.

Umm…what?? Stay the hell away from me!

6.  All the stuff you’d want after a breakup—nights on the town, drop-of-a-hat vacations, those long-put-off season tickets—you can enjoy right now. With a built-in date. So pick something fun and do it.

Yes. Please. I want to go to Hooters with you and your frat buddies. I wanna watch you eat ribs with your mouth open and chug Heineken and make sexist jokes and ogle at silicone-breasted women in cheerleader shorts. I’m getting hot just thinking about it…

16.  Tried everything on this list and she’s still unresponsive? It’s time to smile, hold her hand, and offer her these five risky words: “Now it’s up to you.

Yeah. Don’t say that.

By the way, Men’s Health? I thought your suggestion about creating a romantic, even cheesy commercial-like moment, for her– like re-proposing to her at Trafalgar Square in front of her family–was cute….UNTIL I saw your logic:  “Jewelry + effort + pigeons + her parents = months of rough sex.”

Isn’t this article supposed to be about promoting love, and meaningful, healthy, relationships?  And, I don’t know, not about helping guys to get laid more?

F*ck you.


Anonymiss in DC

Carrie Clark says:

You forgot:
10. Commit an unsolicited act of cleanliness.

Seriously? Cleaning up is going to save a relationship? How messy are the writers at Mens Health?

11. This weekend, take her to the grocery store to buy ingredients for a great dinner. Also pick up food specifically earmarked as body paint.

And who’s going to cook this lovely dinner? And clean it up? It had better be a joint effort for this one to work.

Anonymiss in DC says:

re 10: True…but then again, and I hate to sound weak, I would notice if he made an effort to do something he wouldn’t normally do without nagging, like, I don’t know, dust, or wash the floor. I’d be impressed. And not that that’s going to save anything, but it can’t hurt. I’d appreciate it.

re 11: Aww…well, I’d help out with the dishes I guess..I mean it’s nice to do something together like make something yummy… He should NOT, however, under ANY circumstances, cook something fabulous- in the process trashing the kitchen- and then look at me and say “Well I’m glad you liked it. Let me know when you’re done washing the dishes.”

And the stuff about the body paint? Give it a rest. This isn’t about HIM. Don’t they think about anything else? Can you not be nice without thinking about the likelihood of your getting laid as a result?? God.

Carrie Clark says:

Both good points. Mine really was for a list that’s supposed to be about saving your relationship, even the pseudo-good suggestions are pretty weak.

Anonymiss in DC says:

Definitely agreed!

Patrick says:

I’m 4 issues behind. Looks like lots of wisdom coming down the stretch.

I really miss the days when every men’s magazine didn’t pander to, attempt to emulate, or generally embrace the Maxim Magazine ethos (or attention span for that matter.)

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