Anonymiss in DC

{June 16, 2015}   Weathering the lesser storms

Confession: One of the things that most sucks about being “relatively newly single” is how bitter I sometimes feel about my friends’ happiness. It’s awful. I am truly, down to my toes happy for my friends who are head over heels in love, buying their new homes, glowing and pregnant with their first or even second or third babies, cooing over their babies, posting pictures of said babies looking precious, etc. etc. Truly, I am. I don’t begrudge them their happiness. Nor do I want them to hide their happiness from me because they’re worried I’ll react like they are rubbing it in, or that I’ll cry (though, if I’m being honest, I might cry about it. And I have.) Their happiness is not spitting in my face. It’s not about me. It just…well… has a tendency to hit me like a sucker punch.

I know I’m not the first person dealing with this empty “sucker punched” feeling in my stomach. It’s jealousy. And sadness. And, of course, mourning over my still-recent almost-marriage and might-have-been-coming-soon babies. Blah blah blah. I know I should “be nice” to myself– not beat myself up about feeling sad or even bitter.  It’s natural. Lovingkindness, right?

I’m pretty sure when I was in my long-term relationship that I used to tell my friends confidently that they would find someone too. That this person would appear when they least expected it. And that they shouldn’t give up on love because of a handful of jerks. And I genuinely meant it. And as it turns out, I was right in a whole host of circumstances.

But here’s the thing. I’m over 30. Do you know how many guys I see with wedding bands? Do you know what the dating sites are like?
I’m not trying to be dramatic or anything. It might happen for me too, but it might also not. That was always true when I told my friends they’d find the right guy, but I was younger and “less damaged” than I feel nowadays. I’m  actually starting to think my biggest challenge isn’t finding someone, but coming to terms with the possibility that I might not.
Not that I want to stop trying. Not that I want to give up my dreams of the thoughtful husband, the adorable babies, the white picket fence, and yadayadayada. And I shouldn’t right? I mean it’s not even an exaggeration to say that these are things I have always wanted. So…how do I not give up the dream of finding that but also accept that it might not happen?

Carrie Clark says:

It would help if some of your friends called you as well wouldn’t it? Most likely. PHONE DATE TBD!

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